Beyond Domestic Abuse: A Survivor’s Story

In the following interview Gul, a survivor of domestic violence, recalls her story with great courage. She wishes to give strength to the women from our community who suffer the crime of abuse in silence and live in constant fear.

Salita: Hello Gul, thank you for participating in this painful interview. I am glad you are willing to share your story with us…How old were you when you got married. When did the abuse start.

Gul: I got married at 22, after receiving a degree in computer engineering. My sister and I were brought up in a middle class family by loving parents who, in addition to giving us good family values, shielded us from all that was bad in the world.  My marriage was arranged to a guy from my community but we and our families had not met before the marriage. Things were okay in the beginning but the fights started over small issues in the first few days.  I realized at the start of the marriage that we are not made for each other as there were too many differences in our ideas and behavioral patterns.

While in India, I did not want to tell my parents what was happening. They would have been worried about the impact on their reputation as well as my sister’s chances of finding a good match.

Salita: How exactly did it start and why didn’t you leave him immediately?

Gul: He had very short temper and abusive nature about small things. At first the abuse was verbal, not physical. His parents would constantly criticize me and make offensive remarks about my family. My father spent a lot on my marriage but still they were not happy with the dowry he gave. From the beginning they deprived me of resources and funds and isolated me from my family and friends, stating that I need to spend more time with my new family to adjust but later on it became a set pattern, I was always accompanied by in-laws, never allowed to stay alone with my parents to talk about what was going on.

He got a job in America and I accompanied him here. He wasn’t happy to bring me here as my family did not give him any money for my ticket. He was angry with me most of the time. There were some good times but they did not last long. The beatings began within 3 weeks of our reaching the states.

I went into depression. I used to feel lonely here no friends and no phone access to call my family. If they called he will be sitting next to me to listen what I am saying. I did not leave him at first because I was afraid and hoped that things would change one day.

Salita: What went through your mind when you were abused?

Gul: I was afraid of him. In anger he will abuse me not only physically but in all different ways mentally, verbally, sexually and financially. I was feeling so suffocated in the relationship that I thought of ending my life so many times. My will power and my courage became zero while living with this man. Once, after a severe beating, I ran away to a friend’s house in the town we were living in. However, he asked me to return and I did not have the strength to say no! 

I used to be fearful all the time. The episodes of hitting and abusing were increasing day by day I wanted to go back and start my life again. Time went by while I was thinking of doing all the things. Meantime I had a child and it became difficult to think of leaving, I always lived with a hope one day things  might change.

The only fear which stopped me from taking action was, what will happen to my kid if I take this action who will take care of them. After all he is the father and he is giving food and shelter. It is very hard to raise a child alone and how I will manage the expenses and where I will live with my children. It took several years for me to understand that food is not the only thing which keeps you and your kid alive there are much more things you need.

Salita: Did you contact the police/DV agency/Shelter? What finally made you leave the relationship?

Gul: I had no idea about my rights and protection in Sates. I had no idea about the local social workers and organizations of the state that help battered spouses. As he never exposed me to the outer world nor I tried to find out to get out of his cage till the time things got really worst between us and I had to contact the local police department who directed me to domestic violence organizations, and to local social workers. This was a major life changing and most helpful thing I did for myself and my child which further connected me to a South Asian organization so that I can talk in my own language and express feelings without fear irrespective of any language issues. I really got comfort and relief talking in my own language relieved my burden and built confidence.

Salita: What has life been like on your own?

Gul: Everyday from the organization someone called me and talked to me to find out how I am doing and I got so much of help from law enforcement, social workers and DV organizations that they literally rebuilt my life just like remodeling a house. I received help with public sector housing, food stamps, Medicare, and temporary cash from the government. Saheli found an attorney to help me with immigration/permanent residency and after a year I got authorization to work in this country. I also got assistance with clothes, toys and home furniture. Slowly and steadily I kept moving on holding hands of people who were ready to help day and night, its unbelievable but that’s really true. Today, I am in affordable housing and have health and day care for my children. With my work permit, I am in a position to reach complete independence.

Salita: What advice would you give someone in an abusive relationship?

Gul: It takes every single drop to build an ocean and the first drop of courage is the toughest one to collect. If you are in a scary situation, empower yourselves by reaching out for support to Saheli at 866-472-4354, they speak your language. Saheli website: www.saheliboston.org.

Believe me abusers never change nobody change one day you have to get up and say this is over now and I cant take your abuse that’s what I did

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