Ok, Monsieur Jacques Chirac, we certainly are not going to forget what you did (English translation: what you didn’t do) to us when we recently needed your vote at the United Nations. The least you could have done was to keep your big mouth shut, but instead what did you do? You kept on talking --- until the cows came home! The same goes for that thankless and spineless German buddy of yours, what’s-his-name, especially after all those things that we did for all of you guys during and after the big war, WW2.com! You may think that we are easy, and that we can easily be manipulated, but we’re not going to forget this all that easily. Let me tell you, amigo man, we are not going to do anything to you right now even to the point that you’ll think that we are stupid, and we forgot everything. But mark my word, Chirac man, we’ll get you when you least expect it. We’ll hit you where it hurts you the most --- right in your pocket book! We’ll kick you right where it counts… Well, never mind; scratch that! (I mean, don’t scratch that!)

Because we know, before long it will be time for your Immigration Application (IA). You may be thinking that you can apply on the sixth preference (SP), and everything will go like clockwork. But I have news for you, nothing could be further from the truth! You may even have lined up a hamburger flipping job at the big Golden McArch in New Orleans some place, but let me tell you, Zhak, you’re in for a big surprise! We’ll instruct all our Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) clerks in the Southern Region (SR) to watch out for you. And that goes for that thankless and spineless --- you guessed it --- German the ingrate buddy of yours, what’s-his-name?! I know what you’re thinking. You may be thinking that you can cheat our Coast Guard and enter the country by boat by way of Miami like some of the others do, or may even be able to come down from Quebec and cross the border in Vermont some place when none of our boarder guards is looking, but that ain’t going to happen, Shark! You just wait in line for your turn like the rest of the losers!

But here’s an idea… May be your wife and kids can come on third preference (TP). I think fiancee visa (FV) is her best bet, although those children of yours are going to be the downside. This FV idea may solve their problem all right, but I guarantee you, Jack, we’ll make life miserable for you. We’ll have our INS folks sit on your tick form (TF) for the foreseeable future, which they are pretty good at. But see the bright side, Jackie; at least your wife will have a halfway decent job Stateside, and can send you money every month for essentials such as cigarettes, wine and stuff. Say, what’s the exchange rate these days? I bet your French francs are down in the pits after you did that stupid thing at the UN. What is it? About 200 francs to a dollar? Even the Italian lira is doing better than your play money!

Well, come to think of it, it may not be such a bad deal after all, Jackal. You’ll be a rich man in Paris, while your wife toils over a hot grill in America, and all your French losers will look up to you! Say, what kind of skills does Mrs. Jacques have? Can she also flip burgers like you? Let’s say, she can make about $2.25 an hour, and with overtime and double time and all that stuff, may be she can gross about 120 to 130 a week, but I wouldn’t count too much on that. Of course she has to pay taxes, you kidding?! This is not France, you fool! We practice taxation with or without representation here, and that’s what America is all about, if you get my drift. The only tax exempt people in America are the rich folks like Bill Gates, Sam Walton, and Steve Bechtel (BS&S).

). Remember Boston Tea Party and the Wars of 1812 & 1991? Why do you think we did all that? And hey, how about the kids? How old are they? Can they baby sit? How many do you have? A couple or so? Oops!, I forgot you’re pro-life! So what is it, about seven or eight? Of them, how many boys and how many girls? Hey, can the boys cut the grass in the neighborhood? No, not that kind of grass, Shy Rack; is that all the grass that you ever think about? What I’m talking about is the Fescue variety! Anyway, that may be the ticket, buddy boy! You’re sitting on top of a gold mine, mon ami, except that you simply don’t know it! May be you can forget about immigrating to America, and spend the rest of your golden years in Paris, what do you care, as long as the dollars keep coming. Moreover, at your age, and with the kind of lousy French attitude that you and your Foreign Minister have, it’s not easy to learn English at this late stage in your life anyway! So, my advice to you is stay put. But let me tell you, Iraq, I mean Chirac, if I were you, I’ll cut down on that expensive American wine, and go for your cheap domestic French variety. As you may have noticed by now, we ain’t buying your French wine no more!

|