Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

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The Dealmaker

Two friends with radically different political views are on their way to the polls on election day. One guy turns to the other and says "You know, we've argued about this for months, and we're obviously going to vote for different candidates. Our votes will cancel each other out anyways, so why don't we just call it a draw and go home instead?" Other guy agrees, they shake hands and part ways.

Another guy who overheard the conversation approaches the dealmaker and says with admiration, "That's a real sportsmanlike offer you just made!"

"Not really," guy says, "Just this afternoon I've already done this three times."

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Hoya!

A politician gives a stump speech in an Indian reservation, trying to garner the Native American ballot. "If elected, I promise better education for Native Americans," he says. The crowd goes wild, calling out "Hoya! Hoya!"

Guy doesn't know what the word means, but he figures, hey, they look excited, so he goes on. "I promise to propose legislation permitting a casino to be built on this reservation," he says. The crowd gets even more frenzied, and keeps shouting "Hoya!" over and over. Encouraged by the cheers, he finishes his speech: "And if elected, I promise to ensure better health care and employment options for Native Americans!" The crowd is at a fever pitch, stamping their feet and yelling "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

His speech finished, the guy shakes some hands, kisses some babies, and decides to go on a tour of the reservation before hitting the campaign trail again. Guy comes across a huge herd of cattle, and says to his guide, "I was raised on a ranch, and I've always loved cattle. Mind if I go over and get a closer look?"

"Sure," says the guide, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

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Tipping for Votes

Two politicians on the campaign trail encounter each other near a roadside diner, and decide to have a cup of coffee. They shoot the breeze for a while, and then get up to leave. "You know why I'm going to be elected?" guy asks, pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "It's because of my generous personality. I always give the waitresses a big tip and ask them for their vote."

"That a fact," says the other, "I always ask them to vote for you too . . . but then I tip them a nickel."

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