“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves ‘Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel


“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

“March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’” –Bill Maher

“You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.” –Bill Maher

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