As usual, I am here to dispense advice nobody has asked me for. There is for me, no joy greater than this – offering unsolicited advice to poor unsuspecting readers. I hasten to add, years of experience observing the Indian Male go through V Day has made me an expert of sorts and I am supremely confident I can help millions through this column. Here goes…

I know, I know, my heart breaks for you poor men folk out there. What can be worse than tripping over heart shaped objects wherever you go! Plastic, paper and sponge heart festooned stores with strains of some romantic Sinatra number numbing the senses; this lunacy can drive anyone bonkers.

It’s different for women though. They revere Valentine’s Day because it holds out this promise of perfection. The one day when they (poor misguided creatures) think that nothing will go wrong, that something magical will happen and their frogs would turn into princes. You frogs would rather wallow in the muddy pond than proclaim your devotion, but what the hell; it’s a matter of survival.

Some easy steps to help you take the pain away from this painful celebration of love, affection and everything in between.

1.Shower her with compliments. Her heart’s going to be filled with Hallmark-instilled expectations, anyway. Compliment her on the way she looks, talks, and walks. Don’t ever utter these words “I’ll love you even more if you shaved.” Real women get put off very easily. Strange but that’s how they are.

2.Don’t take your mom along on the date.

3. Remember that Valentine’s Day lasts only 24 hours, thank your stars it is not Valentine’s week or Valentine’s month. Grin and bear it for one day. You can go back to your boorish self on Feb 15 until the next V Day rolls over.

4. Resist the urge to throttle or choke to death, every one you see wearing a red rose or a heart shaped pin, curse them under your breath, beat them up but only after the Day is over and done with.

5. Take her to a fancy restaurant and don’t glower if she orders anything over $12.99. For some reason, most guys I spoke to admitted that this was their love limit. Also remember this important tip: No BK, McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts dates on this day.

6. Do not, I repeat do not attempt to make her a Vday gift, unless you are five years old and the present is for your mum. If it is for your beloved, forget it, she’ll know you’re a cheapskate in a heartbeat.

7. Promise to love her and treat her like a queen for the rest of her life. Keep fingers crossed when making this promise. (Thunder bolts don’t strike when you break a promise while your fingers, toes, or eyes are crossed)

8. Don’t belch or make other disgusting body noises this one day of the year. At least not within her earshot.

9. Tell her the story of St Valentine and shed a tear (Visine artificial tears can help). Sigh after the tale and gaze deeply into her eyes.

The tale of St Valentine - Valentine's Day was named after a Roman priest named Valentine who, during the reign of Claudius - the cruel emperor who outlawed marriage so that more men, in his insane mind, would enlist in his unpopular army - defied Claudius and married young men and women. For his trouble, he was tortured and clubbed to death. Soon after, the pagan ceremonies performed on February 14 were replaced by a ceremony for Valentine, who was immortalized as a saint.

10. Tell her repeatedly that you love her in every way you can. Let me help you out here.

English........... I Love You
Spanish. - Te Amo
French - Je T'aime
German- lch Liebe Dich
Japanese-Ai Shite Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese-Wo Ai Ni
Swedish- Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo- Nagligivaget
Greek-S'Agapo
Hawaiian.- Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish-Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew-Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian- Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian- Une Te Dua
Finnish-Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish.- Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian-Se Ret Lay
Persian-Du Stet Daram
Maltese- Jien Inhobbok
Catalan- Testimo Molt
Hindi-Mujhe tumse pyaar hai

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