A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

 What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

 My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

 A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

 A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!

 It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

 A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

 I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

 Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?

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