A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.   

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

INVESTMENT ADVICE

A financial planner suggested to a wealthy client that he should invest in a circus.

The client expressed great surprise at such an unusual recommendation: "A circus? Why on earth should I buy into a circus?"

The financial planner replied: "Because of the elephants."

The client, puzzled even more, then asked: "The elephants? What is the connection between circus elephants and investments?"

The financial planner asked: "Well, do you know much it costs to feed an elephant?"

The client, slightly annoyed, responded: "No, of course I do not know much it costs to feed an elephant."

The financial planner explained: "Well, neither does the Taxation Commissioner."

FOI

A man made a Freedom of Information request to the Australian Taxation Office, asking whether there was an audit file on him.

A week later he received the reply. It said: "There is now."

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