My Child Won’t Eat!

How often I have heard my friends complain! In fact, I have even found myself saying the same thing. So, what is the problem? Is it us, is it our kids, is it the foods we eat?

And whatever the cause may be, what is the solution?

Is there something wrong with my child? It is ingrained into our culture that eating is very important. We women show our love for our children and family by feeding them. How common is it to see a mother desperately trying to feed a child who is crying and refusing? – only too common! So how can we be sure there is nothing wrong with the child who refuses to eat?
The first thing pediatricians look at is a child’s growth. If the child is growing and gaining weight steadily along his or her growth curve, then most likely nothing is wrong with the child. Hence the pediatrician will reassure the parents. But this still does not solve the problem that they face every day!
There are some red flags that tell us that all is not well. Poor weight gain and weight loss are the foremost indicators that all is not well. Vomiting, diarrhea, or low energy in a child, should not be taken lightly. The child could have problems with digesting or absorbing food, with food allergies, or with acid reflux. Gagging and choking on certain foods every time may be a sign that something is amiss. Similarly stomachaches, skin rashes, joint swelling, fevers, in fact any sign of chronic illness, should be brought to the doctors attention.

Well, if nothing is wrong then why won’t a child eat? Unfortunately the majority of issues relating to eating are behavioural in origin. Human beings  belong to the animal kingdom, and every child is born with survival instincts. When a child is hungry he or she will eat. If a child is fed before it is hungry, the child will not learn this basic survival skill. Soon it becomes the parent’s responsibility to feed the child, and the child will lose interest in food. If force is used then the child may even become aversive to food. Once that happens it is very difficult to break the vicious cycle. You end up with a child screaming, crying, and running away while the mother is chasing him with a bowl of daal-rice or yogurt-rice.

Is it our Indian food? No, not at all. A child will learn to eat and like whatever he or she is regularly presented with. Of course junk food can be more exciting to the palate, so once the options of donuts, fries, pizza and spaghetti are presented, there may be no going back!

So what is the solution? The solution lies in a sensible approach. We have to try and separate emotion from food. We show our love by cuddling little children, paying attention and giving time to children, reading books and sharing in their activities.

1. Meals should be presented, and the child should be fed whatever the rest of the family is eating, sitting together at the table. Meals should not last more than 20-30 minutes. As soon as a child can sit up, he or she should sit at the table in a high chair at meal times. That way you will have both hands free and will be facing the child, making it easier to feed and interact.

2. Younger children may need assistance but as soon as a child is ready to self-feed, they should be encouraged to do so. Two and three year olds try to be independent and this should be promoted and applauded. Making a mess to some extent is fine as long as they are eating and enjoying their food. Some of us mothers try to promote cleanliness by helping the child when they are trying to learn to do things for themselves. The pride of being able to eat is taken away and the child refuses food.

3. The child should be allowed to determine when he is full. Once he is done, he should be complimented on how well he ate/fed himself, and allowed to stop. Forcing a child beyond when he is willing to eat will always work against the parent.

4. There should be no constant snacking and no juice or other sugar containing beverages between, before or during meals. We underestimate how much these things fill up children’s stomachs. Three meals and 2-3 snacks are plenty for a toddler. Two to three glasses of 1-2% milk with or after a meal, and lots of water in between, should be plenty as far as fluids go.

5. Positive reinforcement of desired behaviours (‘when you finish eating we will read the new library book’, dessert only if a meal is eaten) and ignoring undesired behaviours; telling stories and otherwise interacting with a child verbally while expecting them to feed themselves; serving a child reasonable portions so that they can finish and feel proud of themselves…..there are many things we can do to promote eating without actually feeding a child who is old enough to eat.

6. Consistency is the most important thing. Especially if you are dealing with a 3 year old with an established behaviour pattern. It may take weeks to change things. All adults in the family who are involved should decide on a plan. If the child is well nourished to start, then there is no need to be stressed. There is a saying that it is the parents job to determine what and when a child will eat, but it is up to the child to decide how much. If she doesn’t eat at one meal she will make up at another. Smarter children can be more stubborn, and so it may be several weeks before you see any effect of implementing this kind of discipline. More than the child, parents have to discipline themselves not to give in, not to get desperate, and never argue about the strategy in front of the child!

7. You can work with your Pediatrician and check weekly weights if you are worried about that. Checking weights more frequently than that in a toddler is not useful. And lastly, even if you feel stressed, go to the next room and take a break for a minute or two, but don’t let the child see your stress!

8. Remember that daal-roti-vegetables-rice-yogurt are excellent foods, and make up for a balanced diet unlike any known in the Western world. So by teaching your child to eat Indian food you are doing what Western research is just realizing – you are giving your child a healthy start!

Prevention is the best solution! Of course, if you are just starting down the road with an infant, be sensible from the start. Always remember, children look to you for structure and discipline. If there are no rules they get confused as to what is expected. So, love your kids, be firm with a smile and a hug, be their friend and guide. Good eating (and other) habits will form along the way. And remember to enjoy your children while they are little!

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