A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry...We don't serve food in here"

Man walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumping cables. Barman says "You can have a drink as long as you don't start anything"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down again and again.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

This panda walks into a fancy restaurant and sits down at a table and orders a burger.
After eating the burger the panda gets up and walks over to the piano player. At the piano the panda takes out a gun, shoots the piano player in the head and calmly walks outside.
The restaurant owner follows the panda outside and said, "You just ate a burger and didn't pay for it and then killed my piano player. You can't get away with that."
"Oh yes I can," the panda replied, "I'm a panda bear." The panda then continues to walk away.
The owner calls over a policeman and told him what happened.
The policeman asked the panda, "You ordered a hamburger, ate it and didn't pay for it?"
"Correct."
"Then you went over to the piano player, pulled out a gun and shot him in the head?"
"Correct."
"And you think you can get away with that because you are a panda bear?"
"Correct."
"What does being a panda bear have to do with it," the cop asked.
"Just look it up in an encyclopedia," the panda replied.
While the officer stayed with the panda the restaurant owner went to a nearby bookstore and bought an encyclopedia. Returning to the scene in the streets, the cop took the encyclopedia and looked up panda.
"Panda bear," he read, "Native of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."

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