Getting a new deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Working in the garden

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

BMW

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Great Ways to Annoy Cops

When the police pull you over and they ask, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" reply, "Because you like my groove thing."
When the police say, "We're giving you a ticket," plead insanity and try to bribe him with donuts you claim to have in your backseat.
When asked by a cop if you saw anything at the crime scene, look around suspiciously and keep stammering and denying you saw anything.
When a cop walks by you, yell maniacally, "I didn’t do it!!!!!!"
If pulled over on Thanksgiving, wink at him and offer him a turkey leg.
Start a conversation with a cop, then in the middle of the conversation, interrupt him by saying, "So how many people have you framed?"

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "… or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"

Speeding?

A man was pulled over for speeding.
When the officer asked for a driver's license, the man replied, "I've never had one."
When the officer asked if he had anything in the car he should know about, the man replied, "I have a stolen pistol in the glove box."
When the officer asked the man if he had anything in the trunk, the man replied, "I have my wife's dead body in there."
The officer went to his car and asked for his sergeant to come to the scene, which he did.
When the sergeant asked the man for his driver's license, the man handed it to him.
When the sergeant asked the man if he had any weapons in the vehicle, the man said he has never owned a gun in his life and when asked to open the glove box, he did and it was empty.
When the puzzled sergeant asked if he had a dead body in the trunk, the man said, "This is crazy! I don't have any of these things your officer has accused me of and I suppose next he's going to tell you that I was speeding.

Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over

Do you want a beer and some doughnuts? I've got a whole trunk full!
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Designated Decoy

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

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