[The author, who was a northerner in a previous life, recently became nostalgic, and decided to travel in the Northeast to experience its ways one more time. He nevertheless figured out that the South, which is his current domicile, is doing so much better…, driving wise, that is. It looks like he had gotten used to the South, and would like to stay that way!]

I finally figured it all out. You guys up in the North are doing it all wrong. First off, in order for you guys to exit to the right from any of the American highways, interstate or otherwise, you guys currently go to the right lane and do it the simple and easy way. But let me tell you, nothing could be more wrong than that! You guys should do it like what we do down South. You should be in the extreme left lane doing a minimum speed of 95 miles per hour until you are almost at the exit point. Then at the last minute, after you have well passed the Exit sign on your right and have clearly seen it in your rear view mirror, you must turn on your left turn signal pretending and making believe that you are going to go left on to the left shoulder, and then cut across three or four lanes to the right to finally end up in the exit lane at a minimum speed of 90 mph. Always remember, confusing your fellow driver is the final goal. Also, never forget the fact that objects in mirror are uglier than they appear! One of the major advantages of doing this last minute exit maneuver (manure?) is that you can tie up traffic for miles on end. This is especially true in towns like Chattanooga (TN) where there can never be a traffic jam under normal circumstances even if people try really hard.

And then there also are the infamous Alabama and Georgia drivers who pretend that they really know how to drive an automobile, which in about 99 percent of the cases, will be a beat up pick up truck. I think the reason why the Georgia drivers stay in the left lane all the time as soon as they get into our Tennessee highways is because Georgia is on the left side of the map. Alabamans, on the other hand, hug the left lane because their State is on the left side of the confederate map. Plus, they also hold their road map upside down, because, as in life, they don't know the difference!

And never forget to multitask while driving your vehicle. This could be achieved by performing any one or more of the following simple, but highly skilled tasks. Sip piping hot coffee while driving. Make sure you place the hot coffee, between sips, on the seat between your legs if you are suddenly called upon to talk on the cell phone. The hamburger and the French fries (now freedom fries!) may be placed on the passenger seat if the seat is empty; otherwise, put them on the dashboard right in front of you such that it will obstruct the view of the road only partly, and the dog or your passenger will never be able to reach it. Remember to take occasional bites as required from the sandwich while driving. If you are a female, and need to put on make up (You kidding?!), be sure to use a wide brush to paint your face, so you can do the complete paint job with 30 or 40 strokes of the brush. While doing all these, care must be taken to ensure that your hair is checked and a new coat of lipstick is applied to your lips every 15 seconds by pulling down the vanity mirror located on the sun visor on the driver's side of the automobile. The dog will naturally try to get a bite of your hamburger, and that's the reason why he must be kept in the back seat for the duration of the lunch, after which he may be unchained and allowed to come to the front seat and ride with you in the driver's seat. Never stop or slow down the car for performing any of the above activities. Remember, objects in mirror are dumber than they appear!

I forgot to tell you about the oversize tires. Quite honestly, I don't know the reason why we in the South do it, but I think it looks kind of cute. It gives you a nice red neckish look if nothing else, and you can have the nice feeling that you are riding at a much higher level than the rest of the tax paying proletariat (pardon the use of the communist word). The radio should be playing at the maximum possible volume, which drowns out all other noises that may be coming out from under the car or the horns of the other drivers. I'm reserving my comments on the gun in the glove compartment on purpose lest I be accused of being an accomplice to a crime.

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