I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in,

it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs,

because they always take things literally

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday,

but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case

When everything is coming your way,

you're in the wrong lane

She had a photographic memory,

but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know and don't really care

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other,

"how do you drive this thing?"

The guy who invented the door knocker,

got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought:

“That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark?

I Noah guy

I used to be indecisive;

now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me,

I could do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing - but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?

A Thesaurus

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