Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.

What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
- Shel Silverstein

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.
- Author Unknown

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
- Male Author Unknown

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
- Female Author Unknown

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A fun-gi.

What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?

Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
- Doug Larson

What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?
Chrysanthemummies.

I'm Charley's aunt from Brazil - where the nuts come from.
- Brandon Thomas

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