1000 VALENTINES
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A FOOD VALENTINE

Cabbage always has a heart, green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato, will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye, you know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together, we'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip, to prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me, let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes, while Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say, our dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery, so be my VALENTINE.

LOVING HUSBAND
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

CONFESSION
Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you.
Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?

CHEAPER?
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
....The clerk handed him a mirror.

Short and Sweet
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Even though these jokes were compiled by a woman they were clearly written by men!

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