So, how are we going to solve this one? We are in the middle of a national dilemma. In case you haven’t heard, we have a new problem brewing at ENRON. This one is big, and this is the worst so far. No, it’s not Ken Lay this time, and don’t laugh when you hear the nature of the problem. It’s not laughing matter, nor is it as simple as you think.

Let me explain it for those of you who are not intimately familiar with the issue. This guy, Andrew Fastow, allegedly performed his alleged patriotic act by allegedly stealing a whole bunch of money from his ENRON employees by allegedly putting his alleged hands in their 401K. By the time he was allegedly finished with them, most of the employees found out that their alleged 401K had all but disappeared, or at least had been reduced to just 101k (Note: Use of lower case character was by design!). Andy is also alleged to have stolen some additional dough from the company shareholders, but they didn’t realize it until Dow Jones and NASDAQ told them that they’ve been royally had. His wife, Lea Anne Fastow (This woman indeed looked like a fat-sow to me on TV, but then again, it could very well have been my TV screen!) allegedly helped him haul all the money away in a U-Haul truck. I’m sure you are beginning to get the picture now. In case you didn’t notice, I threw in a few “allegedly” here and there to cover my south end as I am facing north.

Anyway, none of the above is the real problem. They can steal as much as they want, and we really don’t care. The actual problem lies elsewhere, and it will start showing its ugly head when both Andy and Betty Sue have to suddenly go to jail.

Now, ain’t that too bad…, sending both Andy and Mary Anne to a state or federal penitentiary all at the same time?! What an un-American act! How are the poor couple going to take care of their children, who are aged 8 and 10 (I may be wrong on this, they could be aged 10 and 8; all I know is that one of them is a boy and the other one is something else)?! In any case, as far as I know, the two kids are minors, and still ride in a car seat.

There’s no way that these two innocent boys and/or girls (Their last names are withheld for the sake of anonymity, but were I to be a betting man, I would say it starts with a J for Joe Anne.) can be left alone in the house when Mom and Pop are out and busy making license plates in Texas! It’s simply not fair! Plus it’s against the law, and one can go to jail for that.

Say, what if Michael Jackson suddenly drops in to pay the kids a visit when Mom and Dad are out serving time? Worse yet, what if the kids get on the Internet and download popcorn, I mean porn, when Andy and Lily Anne are at the big house doing jail laundry? I only hope the jail warden (Norton?) will have the wisdom not to put both Andy and Betty Joe in the same cage, because we, the taxpayers, don’t want to be stuck with taking care of another minor a few months from now, if you know what I mean (wink-wink).

Well, then, how are we going to do this? I think the Ass District Attorney (same as Assistant DA, but only in Texan) has come up with this brilliant plan of individual plea bargaining for both Andy and Sue Anne. First, Andy plea bargained for a lesser charge of traffic violation (doing 30 miles in a 95 mile speed zone on a Texas country road), and will go to jail for six months with eligibility for parole in two months. The other ninety nine charges are dropped like a lead ball.

In the meantime, Mary Sue will get the kids weaned, and get ready for her own plea bargain. She can go in just as Andy comes out; that way she can use all the jail clothes her old man used while in the big house (except underwear, of course), thus saving us, the taxpayers, beaucoup d’argent (I mean, plenty of money; pardon my French!).

One piece of advice to Andy: Don’t plan on coming out on good behavior after two months; the Assistant DA may not yet be ready to send Becky Sue in by that time. Remember, the boys (same as girls) will be having their midterms at that time, and you don’t want to mess that up. Be a man, Andy man, and serve out your full six months; let them see what you’re made of. Have a Kodak moment, and show them your true color! Stick around a little longer at Shawshank; they may even teach you a new trick or two. And then when rehabilitation time comes, you and Billy Joe can apply for a loan from the Small Business Administration (in triplicate please), and start a small business of your own with mama…, ENRON style. You’ve got it made, and then you guys can go back and steal again to your heart’s content. Hey, this is America, buddy!

What a system! I love this country, and I ain’t kidding!!

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