A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

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Two carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second  got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Sam and Josh had worked together as partners in their construction business for over fifty years, one day after returning from a check up with the doctor Sam mentioned that the doctor had suggested that both of them should start writing things down as at their age they start to be forgetful.

Josh laughed at the idea, " My mind is still sharp as a tack, what did you need me to pick up at the hardware store?"

"A dead bolt for the back door," Sam replied.

Half an hour later Josh returned, "There you go electrical box, outlet and cover plate." he proudly announced.

"YOU IDIOT!" Sam screamed at him, "Told you to make a list, I sent you for a bathroom faucet."

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A woodworker had a neighbour that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day fustrated with this he phoned him.

" Could I put my tablesaw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.

" Sure," his neighbour replied, " But why?"

" Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.

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