Howard was getting tired of George his brother-in-law always borrowing from him, it started with small things and progressed to him using his shop for a month to build a dresser.

"Why don't you just tell him you will be needing to use what he wants to borrow," his wife advised him.

The next day George was at the door, " Will you be using your shop next week?" he inquired.

"Actually I will, I have a big project I have to get done, probably take me a couple weeks working day and night." Howard lied.

" Glad to hear that," George replied, " Because I would like to borrow your motorhome for a couple weeks."

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A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

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A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer.

"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.

" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working in construction across the street for a week, then I'm laid off, now where is my beer?"

Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner.

" I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus." he informed the chimp.

" This circus, its in a big canvas tent?" the chimp inquired.

" Well yes," replied the bartender.

" Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?" mused the chimp.

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