(Were I to write a letter to the Reader’s Digest magazine, this is probably how it would go…)

Dear Carolyn Davis of the Reader's Digest:

I've been wanting to write this letter to you for the past few decades, ever since I learned how to read, and got into the habit of reading your Reader's Digest. I am finally getting around to it at a plum age of..., never mind, I ain't telling you that! You’re not going to get it out of me that easily!! I’ll give you a clue; I am over forty.

First of all, the “new and improved” version of your Reader’s Digest magazine looks like a piece of dirt any more! It actually looks like a glorified TV Guide now. Whatever happened to the old luster of the Reader's Digest that I used to know, Carolyn? Lately, you made it look like the rest of the cheap magazines that they sell at the checkout counter at grocery and 711 stores. As a matter of fact, it appears as if the Digest is in good company and sits pretty on the magazine rack, right next to the Globe, the Star, the National Inquirer, and the rest of the gossip magazines. I noticed, you also increased the number of advertisements in your magazine so much so that one has to really search very carefully between advertisements to find any reading material of any value in the publication. And hey, how about the floaters that fill the pages of the magazine and all those postcards that are either glued to or bound in with the book at the rate of one every other page? The first thing that I do once I get a copy of the Digest in the mail is to hold it upside down over my big garbage can in the kitchen and give it a nice shake, so all the floaters actually float away directly into the can without my having to touch them with my hands, leaving me with a much lighter book to read. The next step in procedure is to tear off all the thick postcards and booklets that you lavishly include in the magazine, and throw them away so they can keep the floaters company in the same garbage can. Once the thickness of the magazine has thus reduced to less than an eighth of an inch, I know I'm ready to read it. You may not have noticed it, but you are doing a big disservice to the Plant Kingdom in general, and the Rain Forest in particular. All in all, what used to take me about three to four hours to read the old version of the Digest now takes about an hour, and it’s not because my reading speed has gone up.

You have also increased the price of the magazine, Carolyn. Don’t think we didn’t notice it! What used to be 50 cents a copy for a magazine that looked so elegant in olden days has now become three dollars for a cheap publication that almost looks like a twin sister to the Soap Opera Digest or the free Real Estate and Apartment Guide that you see on street corner stands! But there is hope…

And here's what I want you to do. I'll give you an offer that you will find hard to refuse. I'm willing to buy your magazine for the next 40 years; how does that sound for starters? But mind you, it will not be at the current annual subscription rate of $24. I want it for $5.99 a year for the first 25 years after which you may increase the annual subscription to $8.99, a whopping 50 percent hike! You may apply the applicable state and local taxes to the above subscription prices, because I don't want to be accused of not paying taxes to the state or local government. To facilitate your concurrence to this wonderful proposition, Carolyn, I will provide as hereunder three distinctive stamps, viz., YES, NO, and a STRONG MAY BE. All you need to do is cut out the YES stamp, and stick it on a piece of paper indicating your concurrence to my offer, before returning it to me in the self addressed, stamped (Forget it; don’t you know when a man’s kidding?!) envelope provided for your convenience. Now Carolyn, I fully realize that you may at first have a tendency to say NO to this offer. That's the impulsive answer, which I myself have done on occasion. But you definitely want to resist such temptation. Don't say NO now Carolyn, because I will give you several opportunities to do that later. I guarantee satisfaction regardless of whether you are satisfied or not. That's how slick and wonderful this offer is. As a matter of fact, Carolyn, this offer is almost open ended, and you can take advantage of this for the next 25 years without any obligation, implied or explied (expressed?), as long as you keep all the necessary receipts and keep sending me the cheap magazine on a monthly basis for the above agreed upon price of $5.99 a year. If you are not completely -- and I mean really completely -- satisfied with my offer at the end of the first 25 years or the beginning of the twenty sixth year whichever comes first or second, you will have an opportunity to say MAY BE at that time. All you need to do then is to cut out the STRONG MAY BE stamp and stick it!

But stick it, you must Carolyn! Because if you don't stick it, someone else smarter than you will, and I can't be held responsible for your lip stick. There's, however, one thing that I haven't told you, and here it is. I haven't instructed you as to where to stick it. And the reason for that is that it doesn't really matter where, as long as you stick it. You can stick it right where you cut it out from, or on the wall of your office or living room. Have you ever considered sticking it up the ceiling of your bed room or the closet? How about your refrigerator? Bathroom, may be? You can even stick it anywhere other than the State of Florida, the Sun Shine State, where it is prohibited by law. The point is that it's not the where that is important, but the sticking activity itself is what counts.

And by the way, did I mention the sweepstakes that you have automatically entered by virtue of simply being you? Yes Siree Bob Girl, Carolyn, there's that too, as an added convenience to such loyal customers as yourself. The earlier you enter, the earlier you win. The faster you enter, the slower you win. It's as simple as that. Wouldn't you love to have a 1976 bicentennial limited edition Yugo parked in your driveway at 4321 Main Street in Pleasantville, New York, which will make your neighbors more envious than they already are? Or wouldn't you love to receive a steady monthly income of $100 in your old age, which, I guarantee you, will be a lot more money than you can ever imagine coming from your Social Security? On the other hand, if you’re already in your old age, and think you’re about to collect money from Uncle Sam, you might as well kiss your social security money goodbye! Because all that money that you thought you had in the Social Security fund had all been given away to more deserving big businesses and their buddies. But whatever you decide to do, timing is important. The earlier you enter, the earlier you start collecting. So, you act now, Carolyn! Remember, cut it out and stick it!

Oops, I almost forgot. Whether or not you win the sweepstakes, the Yugo is yours to keep. That’s my gift as a special gesture, and it comes from me to you. Plus, no one wants to touch a Yugo with a ten foot pole! Not even the Yugoslavians.

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