As I waited for my luggage 
at the airport, a man lifted my 
suitcase off the baggage carousel.

“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s 
my suitcase.”

The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”

A woodworker had a neighbour that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day fustrated with this he phoned him.

 Could I put my tablesaw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.

 Sure," his neighbour replied, " But why?"

Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. 

He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”

A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”