A lady get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the lady who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

AFTER NEARLY AN HOUR of "just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint-store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

        "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

        "Don't come back here," he begged.

WE WERE STAYING at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, in case you're interested," he told us.

        Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is."

        The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer."

        Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?"

        "Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

MY PARENTS, who are real do-it-your-selfers, were sprucing up their basement. They picked out bright orange shag carpeting and then spread it over our lawn in order to measure and cut it. The neighbors watched curiously. After a while, the teenage daughter of one neighbor spoke up. "Our family has taken a vote," she said. "I've been elected to tell you that if we have any voice in this, we would prefer you leave your lawn the color it is."

AN ANGRY MOTORIST went back to a garage where he'd purchased a battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the garage owner, "when I bought the battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months."

        "Sorry," the garage owner apologized. "I didn't think your car would last any longer than that."