Life before the Computer...Remember when...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut was what you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

Call me Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was .50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Happy Birthday
A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.
"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

Howzzat??
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Love and marriage
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
· Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
· Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
· All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
· Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
· Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
· In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
· It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
· It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
· It takes twice as long to look half as good.
· Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
· No one expects you to run into a burning building.
· People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
· People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
· Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
· The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
· The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
· The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
· The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
· The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
· The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
· There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
· Things you buy now won't wear out.
· When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

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